24 March 2011

Why do I have to be angry all the time?

(a rant about my anger towards my husband)

This morning I thought thought those past two evenings were the best I could, literally, ever remember. Sitting on the couches with you and the kids, and last night when you read to them, were so beautiful. The way you changed accents in the middle of the story. The way she ran to get the next book. Watching you smile at their antics and one-liners made my heart hopeful. Then today it was back to normal, crazy roller coaster and ugly words. Accusations and generalities. Our same old dance.

I so hate looking at your horizontal sleeping form. I hate the way your feet stick out of the covers and the way I still listen to see if you're breathing. I hate the shapeless mass of blankets and the way you use all the pillows. I hate that the kids can be crying and screaming or silent and missing and you never get up to investigate or assist.

I am so angry. I am SO angry! I am SO ANGRY!

I am so angry at being angry. I am so TIRED of being angry. I am so ashamed of being so consistently angry. I am sad of seeing my anger displayed in the kids. I am exhausted of seeing the kids be ugly and angry and hearing their voices and knowing they learned it all from me. I am their example, and even if I am angry at you, or your absence, or your inactivity, or your sickness, I am still angry and still showing them that sin.

My sin. My anger. What is the stem of my anger? It's you; it's not you- it's my disappointment at how I am. How hard my little life is. How I am frozen in my own inactivity by your absence. I want to demand my rights, the proper treatment, I want to be queen of your world. I want to be up on a golden pedestal like I was over a dozen years ago. I want to be treated like a delicate transparent teacup passed down from generation to generation. I want you to be Christ to the church- offered up as a sacrifice for me. I want to see you struggling for me, for us, I want to see some damn effort. I am worth it- aren't I?!

I have been so faithful, so patient, and I am tired when I think that you're never going to get better. You're never going to be different- never confident, never a leader, never take a hit for the family. Your brain is broken? Your blood is unbalanced? Your heart is crushed? Your psyche is damaged? Can you ever be repaired?!

I know God is able. I know He is all powerful. I know He is healer. I know He wants none to be lost. I know, I know. But I also know He wants you to come to him. I know He wants you humbled. I know He wants you to know healing. But I also know He wants you to know holiness. I am a sinner and I am tired when I think of the next 50 years strapped to your side, dragged through the mud of a broken world because I am your life's partner and this is the road you're leading us down.

God save me from my sin!! God take my anger and crush it. How do I know my value and worth and still not demand my place and treatment in this relationship?! Where is the line between sickness and mistreatment? How do I gather the strength to be a shining light for Christ in this marriage and to the world when I am so tired and angry? How do I really get my sense of worth from Christ- from what God sees in me- so that my cup is filled with forgiveness and love and that is what spills over at the end of a long day?

God fill me up so there is no room for my anger.

I'm honored that you would read New Mercy and I would love to hear from you through comments! Teresa (Tracy) Dear