03 January 2011

Dissecting Matt Hammitt's "All of Me"

Doesn't he look grumpy?

You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough....


So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me...

Wow. I first heard Matt Hammitt's song,, "All of Me," this summer when I was driving to yet another doctor's appointment. I had gotten some blood taken to find out which vaccinations I had already had. I was trying to  get signed up for an EMT class at the community college. Well, my numbers came back terrible- my doctor said it looked like I had so few red or white blood cells and so few platelets that statistically I didn't have any! I have always been a little anemic, but this seemed like a big deal. They redid the bloodwork and the numbers were actually lower.

They took yet more blood and did a more thorough scan. They sent the sample to the hematology oncologist so she could look at each cell to see if it was abnormal. (Meanwhile this scared James so much he quit culinary school so he could give all his mental attention to freaking out.)

So, when I heard this song in the car, going to an appointment, in my mind, I immediately placed James behind the guitar and coveted him to sing the lyrics to me:

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough

But now the song is on the radio a lot. Now that I hear it so often, these next lines speak to me. I used to try to "save" James from anything hard or stressful to him. Now I just hope he deals with it better. I try to support him better, and I pray to deal with what I'm left to do as well as I can. Letting go of the things I can't control has been one of my greatest achievements.So these lines are aimed at me singing them to James.


And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole


I used to spend lots of time being angry. Now, I am dealing with the bad anger habits my kids learned from me. But you know what, my life is my life. My husband is the way he is, right now, maybe forever. I have to live my life the way it is, and work on good habits to improve it, but I can't spend all my energy being angry that it isn't some other way.

Romans 5:6 says "when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." The Old Testament, with all its laws and regulations, teaches us one thing: we can't do it. We don't measure up. Jesus died for us before we even scratched the surface of God's to-do list. He suffered on our behalf, he completed the checklist for us. This means to me that I can't set requirements for behavior in those that I love. I can't say, "Love me perfectly" and check things off a list before I love James. I also can't say to my kids, "Show me perfect behavior" and only love them "if." The heart of Christianity is that if Jesus did it for me, I can do it for others.


'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start


The last verse is the verse addressing the "what if" fear. What if my child gets leukemia and dies? What if my husband goes to prison for ten years? What if my daughter gets pregnant at 17? What if my child leaves her faith? What if our house burns down with one of us in it? What if my kid gets mauled by a dog? What if we get hit by a drunk driver? What if I take a nap and someone drowns? What if...? what if...? what if...?

James dropped out of school based on a "What if Tracy dies and I'm left to raise these kids without her when I'm already so overwhelmed?" I dealt with anger and bitterness for a season based on a "What if James never gets better and this struggle is the rest of my life?"


I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you


Hopefully with the power of the Holy Spirit we can come to the point where we learn that loving fully means loving through the pain. Childbirth is no picnic, but it's only by working through the pain that we get the reward of a newborn.


Heaven brought you to this moment,
it's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

I'm honored that you would read New Mercy and I would love to hear from you through comments! Teresa (Tracy) Dear

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