04 April 2010

Hello (sheepish)

I must confess. I realized through a few interactions that I have some blog lurkers who I actually know and see in real life. Then when things went downhill last month, I realized that they would read about it here. Now, these people seem to love me anyway, but it was a little startling to realize they had read the contents of my heart and not left a comment or anything to let me know. A danger of blogging. Also I was so exhausted that I couldn't even stay up past 9 or so. So these things combined to prevent me from posting at all recently.

I'm trying to do better.

My husband is still not working, so I have begun to watch two little kids, a pair of siblings, during the day. I do not understand why this is so tiring. Then I was talking to my husband and I realized I sounded like a person dealing with the unpredictable behavior of an addict. I don't know if my husband is an addict, but he acts just like one. Maybe he is addicted to serving himself and his own needs. Read this. It's my life, especially lately.

"Living and dealing with a drug addict can be devastating. There's no easy way to find out, no way to soften the blow. Deciding how to proceed with your friendship or relationship with someone who is addicted to drugs and alcohol is tricky, and it often feels like all the pressure is on you to figure out a way to not only save your relationship but the person who is suffering. Unfortunately, this usually ends with both of you living in pain and perpetuating a never ending cycle of abusive behavior-the addict abusing him or herself and you.

Whether or not you share a home with the addict in your life, you are subject to the instability and unpredictable behavior that accompanies their addiction. Lies about their drug use and whereabouts, stealing from you to pay for their habit, abusive behavior when they're under the influence or when they are recovering from a stint of using followed by profuse apologies and promises that everything will get better... It's an endless cycle, and it's one that can keep you in a whirlwind. The only way to end this cycle is to guide your loved one to the help that they need to get better. They can't do it alone and you can't do it for them.

A codependent relationship occurs when you are involved with a drug addict or alcoholic and enable their behavior. That is, you lie for them or cover for them when they lie, make mistakes or don't show up for work due to their addiction. You make excuses for their behavior, give them money or in other ways take care of them even though they can-and should-do it for themselves but don't because of their addiction. You believe you are helping them but ultimately you are only enabling their addiction and depleting your own resources, resources that you have no energy to renew." (From the Canyon.)

I'm honored that you would read New Mercy and
I would love to hear from you through comments!
Teresa (Tracy) Dear


Angie said...

I'm sorry things have been so rough for you lately....I think sometimes responsibilities feel twice as exhausting when they are not appreciated or we know that it is a responsibility that would be shared if everything was in balance. Take heart, hang in there. Remember work as if working for the Lord not for man. God is the ONLY ONE who never dissapoints!

mama4x said...

Thanks Angie. I think you're right! He never does.