18 January 2010

Patient in Affliction

Stick with me here, dear readers. I see a wandering post ahead.

My eyes are tired. They are dry and burning a little. It reminds me of four years ago when a terrible pastor told me, before I had taken the boundaries classes, "You made children with that man. Go throw his stuff on the lawn and get a few jobs, and support those kids." I cried the entire day and ruined my contacts.

Isn't it funny, in a not funny way, that life can be such a dichotomy at times? My eyes are tired and I am spent emotionally. But my stomach is full. James made the most delicious chicken- roasted potatoes and brocollini. Garlic cloves! Plus, he had picked up a bag of chocolate covered cherries in the bulk section. All that beauty and service, after a terrible day.

This afternoon I washed my kitchen chairs. You know how the kids spill something and it splatters everywhere, and you wipe up the seat and the floor, and the missed drops just dry on hidden corners of the chair legs and flecks of paint add up and there's some unnoticed gumminess from an old sticker? I scrubbed and washed. The entire time, 2 of the kids played and my husband and I did this ugly passive-aggressive interplay. It was so heinous. I just had to leave the room to end it. I couldn't stop interacting like that. He would say something totally ludicrous and I would respond with some stupid sarcastic comment. No turning the other cheek. Not even silence for me today! Just tit for tat.

I called my Titus 2 aunt. We had a great talk. I'm in a funk. The stress of the unemployment and the bills adding up is getting to me. On the one hand, I'm supposed to follow my husband on the path he's taking us down. But as things add up, I feel like my inactivity is making me an accomplice. I want to get a job, but what will I do with the kids? Where do people like me live? How do I pay the bills that come each month, accumulating on my shoulders? How do I just get a roommate while I'm living here with my husband, who wants no roommate, but doesn't get a job to pay the bills? What is the role of a God-glorifying wife in this situation?!

My aunt was very encouraging. Everything she told me, I knew. I really know that God is in control in this, and any, situation. I know. I know he has a plan. I know he provides. But I don't know what it keeps dragging on in new and old ways. Can you please stop the ride? I wanna get off.

It is in this cold and damp and dreary weather that I forget until I'm in the shower that I have Romans 12:12 tattooed on my arm. I put it there for a reason. I want to look at it each day. When my head drops in discouragement, I see it. God lifts up my head. It's like a c-section scar, it's my battle scar.

I'm honored that you would read New Mercy and
I would love to hear from you through comments!
Teresa (Tracy) Dear


Nancy M. said...

It's great that you have that reminder with you all the time!