02 October 2009

Rescue Me!

Listening to the rain fall on the roof and enjoying the sound of thunder rolling. All the kids are asleep (for now) so I don't have the distraction of comforting them about it- I love thunder and lightening! Oooh, there was a big cracky one... maybe I'll get a visitor padding in here soon enough.

I was working out at the YMCA this week at last (go me!) and was thinking about it. I'm one of those people some people love to hate- thin without trying, back to pre-baby weight. I'm getting to an age where I can't fake healthy... just because I am thin doesn't mean I have any muscle tone or good heart health. I think people who are naturally thin are more likely to be completely UNhealthy. I know I am. I totally take my body for granted; I don't use it for anything; I don't take care of it.

1 Corinthians 6:19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?

Food became an area of struggle for me when I was separated. At one point, it seemed clear that things were never going to work out between my husband and I, and that he would never take care of me again. I was getting ready for a shower and had my hands up over my head, pulling my shirt off, and I noticed I could see the bones in my chest. My chest! When I started to take notice, I saw that my jeans were hanging on my hips. Was I even eating? I started to pay attention, and I realized that whenever I was hungry, I'd have a cup of tea or coffee instead of eating.

My dad was the cook for my family when I was growing up, and my husband was the cook in our family. He is a great chef, and has worked in kitchens of restaurants and catering companies. At one time in our life, people looked forward to coming over to our house to eat his dinners. I think that when I thought he would never take care of me anymore, I just decided "If he's not going to cook for me, then I just won't eat." It was a while before I could enunciate that clearly. I had to begin to pay attention to when I last ate, and make a point of remembering to.

Months later, I noticed that I had begun to do it again, and stopped quickly, and asked for prayer from the ladies at my Bible study. Then they could help me by asking me the simple question, "Have you eaten today?"

I struggle even now as I try to feed my kids regularly. I don't ever feel hungry, and I have to look at the clock like a new mother to see if it's time to feed them.

In Boundaries lingo, this relates to "Where are you waiting to be rescued rather than taking responsibility for yourself?" It was a momentary "I give up!"