15 June 2009

Internal Callings

What is it, when you feel a deep-seated desire, even need, to do a certain thing, or kind of thing?

Why is it, that sometimes you can't do that thing?

What does it mean, when where you are or who you're with or what you lack stands in the way of doing it?

Does it mean, that like a girl who got unexpectedly pregnant, that you can have forgiveness but you still have consequences?

The thought that I may never do the things which make my heart ache makes me utterly quiet. Beth Moore said something along the lines of "If there is something that you can't let go of, some idea or task, that you never outgrow, and it is totally impossible for you to do, then it might be from God. If the task is too great for you, then it's perfect for God, because when he enables you to do it, HE gets the glory." Teachings like that make me think that there could be a chance that I will one day get to do the desires of my heart, that I can one day answer the unceasing calling.

Can I tell you the desires of my heart? When I was little I read quite a few books about orphans and I always wanted to 'run' an orphanage. I grew up and realized there weren't really any around anymore. Then I heard about foster care and how no one really wants the older kids and how siblings are always broken up. The baby gets adopted, but the older child who called the police or CPS or whoever, who is the most damaged by the neglect or abuse, is just ditched into the foster system. Then, to top that off, they age out of foster care at 17 and have no one to go home to on holidays, no one to call to ask questions about child rearing or mortgages or which kind of soap to buy, no one to sit on their side of the church when they marry. Then there's the 8 and 10 and 12 year olds who still have time to learn about their personal worth, to learn that they don't have to dress, talk and act like every other girl out there. Who need encouragement to stick it through the tough days when no one seems to think like they do.

Then, there is the whole human trafficking thing- children... children sold as prostitutes to men... men who have these sick desires, who make a demand for such a horrific supply. Women stolen and forced to live terrible lives until they are used up. Read more here. I saw a thing on the news that if you see one of those XXX 'clubs' and it has a barred door, and barred windows, it may be for security from whatever seedy place they are in, but more likely it is because the women there are forced to stay. In Texas, frequently they are illegal immigrants who were brought to the country and are "working off" the exorbitant fee charged to bring them into the country. Here is a page of short news clips and awareness videos. The third one rips my heart up, the girl talks about how the man tells her she's beautiful, tells her he can be her Daddy. How satan uses something designed to be beautiful and protective and he twists it to be sick and ugly! Click here to see how to become more aware of human trafficking.

Have you seen Taken? At the end of that movie I said... "You know what? Every parent wants to go and save their child like that. But no parent has those skills, the only reason Liam Neeson's character could even have the oppportunity to use his skills was that he happened to be on the phone with her at the time. All those kids are just lost. Gone."

And I almost forgot the unborn, killed every day in multiple different ways. I made a box in the right-hand side sidebar of "choose life" links. There is a website out there, Priests for Life, whose mission seems to be to show people these horrific sad little bodies and body parts so people will realize how awful abortion is. Do some people really, on no level, not get it?! I'm exhausted just thinking about the committees and rallies and prayer groups that I want to start and run and recruit.

How does a woman like me do anything about things like this? Elizabeth George would say "Pray." Why doesn't that seem like enough? On one level I know nothing could be more powerful, but on another... I want to be on the front battle lines. I want to give a million dollars a year to all sorts of organizations. I want to change a life. I don't know how to reconcile my stay-at-home, hand-to-mouth, homeschooling American Christian life to the calling of my breaking heart.