31 March 2009

Killing Pride

Ok, this dumb image really struck me. Sorry. You think they would have made it something other than ice cream, which melts pretty quickly. 'Unending' isn't really a word I would associate with ice cream... but still, I put it up here, didn't I? So it must work somehow.

Well, I wanted to give a little history beyond the bare, cold, merciless facts. Before James got out of the Air Force,everything seemed good/normal to me. It was at the end of his time in the service and moving back to Texas that things fell apart. During our time in Seguin I was pretty much a raving lunatic, trying to force James to meet all my needs. I didn't make any friends, I was in a state of panic about our finances, I was lying to everyone about the state of things.

I was probably hormonal (I was pregnant) I was alone in a roach-y house where any trip to the kitchen at night could have a rat jumping out from behind the microwave. (One night, I am not joking, I thought I was going to go into labor right there I was so startled, I levitated onto a stool eight inches away)

I eventually saw that my demanding insanity was driving James out of the house. He knew about all the things I was harping on and was worried about them himself. He felt bad for the state things were in, and me freaking out each evening definitely wasn't a welcoming thought when he was driving home from work; so he'd go to friends' houses. It just became a pattern.

Then, I got a mailing from a holy, kind, biblical teacher named Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Check her out! In the mailing was a card that said

"Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction, Faithful in Prayer." Romans 12:12.

I put it on the mirror in my bedroom. Months later, when newborn Lily was sick in the NICU and I gave James a list of things to bring me to the hospital, including that card from the mirror. It went on Lily's incubator. It brought me such peace to reflect on it. It summed up everything I needed: to hope for the best, to put my hope in God and not (a) man, to be patient in times of trial and not demand an end to them from James or God, and to be faithful in intercession for all things instead of mulling them over, worrying them like a dog on a bone, harping on them, and having them run through my head a hundred miles an hour.

And so, a year into my adventure with the Lord who uses my husband as a tool to refine me, I finally turned to Him. I began the walk to... what? Have God meet my needs. To separate myself from James as my own person. To stop the worrying. To break my pride. To become a better wife. To learn about sacrifice for no reason other than to bring God pleasure. To soften my heart for broken families, single mothers, the divorced, the secretly hurting. To teach me how to make friends. To give me the gift of godly friendships. That's just for starters.