Peace

I was totally struck on page 55 of Jantsen's Gift: A True Story of Grief, Rescue, and Grace because it could have been written by me- this is practically verbatim the story of how I came to know that God was a real personality, alive today, and interested in me personally. I was 17 years old.

"...I went straight to my bedroom and locked the door. The anger and hopelessness welled inside me, so brawny and muscular it felt like my insides were being beaten to a pulp... The emotions were suffocating... I felt exhausted... I CANNOT LIVE THIS LIFE. I CANNOT FORGE A LIFE OF MEANING FROM THIS SORROW. PLEASE... I WANT TO FEEL SOME PEACE. PLEASE. And immediately a response came... which felt like it was emanating not so much from the sky as from my own heart, was generous and clear, and just like that, it happened. All the rage and sadness were gone, mid-sob. The feeling was so unequivocal, it was as if I could physically sense the panic exiting my body, atom by miserable atom. I took a breath, a long one, and it felt like the first breath I had ever taken in my life. I felt a thousand pounds lighter. I felt released... But the anger and hopelessness had lost its fight."

Phillipians 4:7 says "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." and I know it is not only possible, it is true, because it happened to me, and to Pam Cope.

Jantsen's Gift by Pam Cope

Jantsen's Gift: A True Story of Grief, Rescue, and Grace, by Pam Cope and Aimmee Molloy is a therapeutic, deeply personal story. However, it's also a greatly inspiring, soul-stirring, question-asking tale that makes its readers inspect their value system to see how it stands when their world is shaken to its core.

Pam Cope had her world toppled when her son died at the age of 15. What she thought was important- stacks of beautiful throw pillows on the couches, her children's new clothes, serving at church, all seems trivial and empty of meaning. She suffered, incapacitated by the most simple of tasks, for months, asking her pre-teen daughter to even do the shopping. Pam resisted the urge to wrap her daughter in her arms and infuse her with love, because she was afraid if she loved her daughter, how could she survive if something happened to her also

This is a story of the power of service to take our eyes off of our own suffering. From start to finish, Pam tells us to look outside of ourselves. Relieving the pain of others lessons our own pain.

Essentially, the purpose of Pam's life unfolds as she and her husband try to determine what to do with the $25,000 that they recieved in lieu of flowers at their teenage son's funeral. A neighborhood playground? New baseball uniforms for his team? Nothing seemed right or lasting.

Pam was totally and completely depleted by the mere thought of Thanksgiving with her family who seemed to expect her to move on with her life-- hadn't it been a few months already?! They had just approached a friend about giving the fund money to their work in VietNam, who suggested they first come to VietNam in person to see the work in person before they donated it. From her book:

"Vietnam? I knew nothing about the place, other than old stories about the war. It seeeign. It seemed like the farthest place in the world from Neosho, Missouri, and Thanksgiving dinner and birthday celebrations and family expectations... I accepted immediately."
"As I packed our bags and told Crista's school we were pulling her out for two weeks, I couldn't help but wonder if the decision had been too impulsive. But then I'd run to the store for something we needed and get home and realize that not only had I managed to get there and back without collapsing, but I was even feeling a strangely unfamiliar emotion under the sadness: excitement. I know I should have welcomed it after how hopeless I'd been, but I had grown so accustomed to feeling bad that a moment of excitement made me feel a little guilty, like I was being unfaithful to my grief... It was such a relief to be somewhere this mysterious and colorful and new, where Jansten's absence didn't seem as obvious."

After her heart is pricked for the lost, orphaned, unloved and trafficked children of Asia and Africa, she dives headfirst into a new world of visa applications, donated surgeon skills, diptheria shots, fundraising and international travel. Throughout the book are excerpts from letters she wrote to her son, telling him how he has helped her on this journey.

This book had me crying over a dozen times in the first 150 pages. It rocketed up to the top 20 books on my mental list of favorites. If you wish you could do something for the kingdom of God, for the hurting of the world, but don't know how, this book could be the first step. I'm going to write more about it on Wednesday and Friday. There will be a drawing on Friday afternoon to see who recieves a hardcover copy of Jantsen's Gift, valued at $25. So stay tuned for 2 more posts about it! Leave a comment to qualify- if you comment on each of the 3 posts, you get 3 chances. To learn more about this book, to read excerpts, or to join a book group about it with others who have enjoyed it, go to the publisher's website linked below.

This is a review for Mama Buzz. You can see their button in my left sidebar. I recieved 2 free copies of this book (one for me, one for a reader) by Hachette Book Group. I hope you found this review informative!

Christmas Gifts

Here is a video from my new favorite non-profit, Gospel for Asia. Hopefully you find it interesting. The couple in it (the Americans) seem straight out of my part of the country. It's exciting that normal people in America who probably shop at Wal-Mart and have chicken-fried steak with their grandkids can impact the world for Christ. I'm hoping my son's new scout group is going to earn money in the next six weeks to purchase something from this catalog.

My Mind

Ooh just a jumble of thoughts today.

-Didn't have my coffee until 10:30 today and only a twinge of a headache. Ever since a good friend of mine told me she had given up coffee for a season (her husband identified it as an idol for her), I have been watchful of how much I enjoy it. But I think it is a blessing and it's mornings like today, when I don't have any and hardly notice, that I am reminded of it.

-I was reading today about some czar in D.C. who thought that trees should be legally allowed to sue people or organizations (I assume some kindly person would do the paperwork on its behalf). What?! I don't let the kids carve in tree trunks, because it can kill the tree. I don't let them rip wings off bugs or whatever... I don't buy dogfood at PetCo because they get puppies from puppy mills. I got 2 of my dogs from a rescue center, one off of Craigslist. I am pretty much a financial vegetarian, and I think that animals for food should be raised in a humane way. I'm horrified by what the chickens and cows are eating (mainly because then I'm supposed to eat it). So although I'm not an animal rights activist I definitely think that animals deserve our respect and we should care for them as God instructed Adam.

But for pete's sake, some people go too far! With the amount of kids and adults going to sleep hungry every night in the world, and the orphans near and foreign, how can anyone even be so concerned? Is it just America? I know in the catalogs you can buy a litter of guinea pigs or rabbits that people in Asia raise for food, so it's not totally the same other places. Anyway.

-I'm thinking about getting another tattoo in December with a woman from church. I can't decide on which one. So I made a poll to get your opinions. (If you were in any of my Yahoo! groups you would cringe right there.) So vote in my poll in the top right sidebar. Did you see my first tattoo? Guess and see if you can figure out what it is, then click here. Were you right?!

-On the 10th of November I'm reviewing a book called Jantsen's Gift: A True Story of Grief, Rescue, and Grace. I quoted it briefly here. *I'm also giving away a copy of the hardcover book.* So think about it, and get excited about reading more. You know I love comments. Gotta get 'em somehow!

-I called Gospel for Asia, which I wrote about here. I have been giving them $10 and $20 here and there through online billpay. They kept sending me receipts and I called to tell them to quit it. I'm not giving that much, and I don't want all of my donation paying for them to mail me a receipt! They are an AWESOME organization and they want to give you a free book. Get it!

On a related note, I was totally bummed when Stop Child Trafficking NOW paid $2 to mail me the wrong size t-shirt. I qualified for a free t-shirt at the recent fundraising walk we participated in. They only had big shirts there, so I chose to have them mail me the right size because I really wanted to wear it out and about. They mailed me one so big I can't even sleep in it. Darn! And I didn't want them pay another $2 to mail me the right size, so now I have none.

Girl Talk by Gigi Garner

Girl Talk: Celebrities and Other Extraordinary Women Share Their Secrets is a compilation of advice from women of all walks of life. It was collected and contributed to by Gigi Garner, (daughter of James Garner) who evidently had many contacts and was friendly with all kinds of women.

Initially upon looking at the semi- sensual woman on the book's cover, and reading the title (including the words extraordinary! and secrets!) I expected something dazzling or on the verge of scandalous, if not just juicy celebrity advice. Then on the back I was very confused by a long passage of what seemed like an ad for an African multi-purpose fabric called a kanga (?). What I found inside was just the completely normal, coffee-klatch, Woman's Day magazine kind of girl talk, and I practically expected one of the ladies to recommend a certain brand of diapers or soap!

The entire book, after a short introduction, is women giving advice. Some quotes stand alone, while others are short anecdotes from someone's life ending in a word of advice, almost like a moral. These women are eager to share what they've learned, and reflect not just celebrities but also the women who support them- the dog trainer, the hair stylist, the friend. Maybe my age is showing, but very few of the names were familiar to me. The book is broken down into sections in which the advice follows a predictable theme such as beauty, children, etc.

Some of the advice is from another era- "use a knee sock as a hair band" (?) and some was timeless- let the kids play in the cardboard box your appliance came in. Peppered with black and white publicity photos of the women who impart their life experience, this is a book ideal for the car or the bathroom, where you can pick it up when you have a minute, and put it back down to come back to later.

I did this product review for Mama Buzz (see my button to their site in the left sidebar). I received this book for free from Five Star Publications. I hope you found this review informative!

Comment Hog

So, I may have mentioned (eee NY Times!) that I was writing a book... It will be a 90-day devotional aimed at women who are struggling through a separation or who feel alone in their marriage. I went to a writer's conference a few weekends ago and thought of a lot of things... and then when I posted a simple post about my temporal joys I got a bunch (for me and my lonely blog) of kind and interesting comments. So in the interest of writing for my book and getting more interaction and followers, I am going to post more of "my story." Before I get going, if there were any requests, leave your idea.

I wrote a while back about a well-timed chicken salad. So today I wanted to post a little story about a well-timed grilled-cheese sandwich. What? On a blog about growing spiritually? Yes. (although I'm starting to think my love language is food.)

When I was pregnant with my third child, I was just beginning this crummy walk of faith, and I was still in the "Lord, take this cup away from me! Change HIM and make my life easy and fun!" phase (I did that for a year).

I was struggling with the hours my husband was keeping and our finances and living in a no A/C, cockroach and rat-inhabited house. I was only eating five things during that pregnancy: broccoli, cookie dough, Tricuits and cheddar, soymilk, or turkey sandwiches with lots of baby greens. To make this story make sense, I have to divulge a little idiosyncrasy about myself: I like symmetrical food. If I get a sandwich or a burger, even an omelette or something, I rearrange it so that it's symmetrical. That means I have mustard and beef and lettuce and tomato in each bite, and not too much bread in comparison. I actually use the word ratio when James asks me why I leave things out. I know. We all have our quirks, ok?

One night he was home early and the kids were in bed and the house was quiet, and I was tired. He asked me if I wanted anything to eat. He was listing off the foods he could make me from what we had available in the fridge and pantry... I was melancholy, rejecting them one after the other. He said, "I could make you a grilled-cheese sandwich." I perked up a little, but faded as I explained "I like it a certain way..." and he goes "I know how you like it." I expressed some doubt and he listed off, instantly and correctly, just how I like it (It's a lot of detail and symmetry, ok?).

Right away I welled up with grateful tears. He knew? He knew! Hiding in this stranger was a man I used to know. A man who knew me. It gave me a lift of hope that we would find our way to friends again.

My Playlist

I wanted to post something... I'm actually not going out of town, and (!) James left me his laptop to use and we are making a plan to figure something out with the desktop this week.

I made a playlist of the songs which pierce my heart... here it is... If you buy one from iTunes, go thru my site and I get a nickle or something (you can do that for any music you buy if you're an iPOD person).

I follow a few blogs of women who have had the course of their lives changed by losing a child. I found this playlist widget through one of them. The song by Watermark is so powerful for families who have lost a child. The blogs are:

The Pipers

Tonya Talk

Raising Arrows

sorry

My computer crashed so I was unable to write. I'm also going out of town this weekend and I won't be back till Monday, so I'll be here Wednesday!

What God Wants

When I get frustrated with waiting on God, with waiting on my husband, with waiting in general (see an awesome poem about women waiting), I readily forget one concept that is the answer to probably the majority of the "wait" or "no" responses that we get from God:

RELATIONSHIP. God is a God of relationships. Beth Moore says in her *excellent* book, Praying God's Word: Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds these sobering thoughts:

"...the ultimate goal God has for us is not power but personal intimacy with Him. Yes, God wants to bring us healing, but more than anything, He wants us to know our Healer. Yes, He wants to give us resurrection life, but more than that, He wants us to know the Resurrection and the Life.

We can and should pray for an individual's willingness to let God set him free. We can and should pray for the enemy to be withheld and for the individual's eyes to be opened to truth, but freedom rarely comes to a person who does not get intimately involved with God for himself. You see, God is far more interested in our getting to know the Deliverer than our being delivered. Remember, freedom comes through taking thoughts captive to Christ. We cannot take another person's thoughts captive."

Are you as stunned and as speechless as I?! How many times have I read these words?! They are all marked up in my book! Yet for some reason I have not heard them with this clarity until this week.

I keep praying for things to change for mainly these reasons:

- things would be better; marriage, kids, life.
- it's the right way to live- less stressful and more stable
- it's a better example to those who don't yet believe
- I want the kids and I to be led spiritually
- I want to feel loved and cherished
- I want the kids to grow up seeing beauty, not a 'don't' version of marriage
- I'm tired and I want people to stop looking at me like that.

I should be praying totally differently. (I, I, I, I!) What does Beth say we can pray when praying for others?

-individual's willingness to let God set him free
-for the enemy to be withheld
-for the individual's eyes to be opened to truth

That's it! I go on and on about what I can and can't control... yet here... I'm not looking at my husband like God sees him. God surely sees the late hours and the neglect; but He really wants James to know him and trust him and believe him so that new behaviors can follow out of a heart for obedience. I want all that too, but my prayers don't reflect that.

Typical Day

So, a few announcements before I give you my sob story for today:

1. Got a new profile picture- whaddaya think?

2. Added a "meet mama4x" introduction box in the sidebar so new readers can know what on earth I'm talking about... maybe keep the wave of comments up!

3. I opened a Cafe Press store, called mama4x (of course) that has a few New Mercy t-shirts and such. A work in progress for a while as I tweak and perfect it.

4. I added Fall/ Thanksgiving and Winter/ Christmas cards in my Etsy shop, also called mama4x.

Well I wanted to tell you about a typical day for me... I was thinking about a new way to introduce myself to people, what are your thoughts?

"I am either blessed to be a single mother of four who has all her bills taken care of, or unfortunate enough to be in a marriage frozen in one dysfunctional holding pattern."

At 5:30 my husband's alarm goes off and we spoon until he absolutely must get out of bed at 6:05. Then I go make him coffee just the way he likes it as he gets dressed. He races off to work. Then, I stay up and pray and read my Bible, or I get back into bed with the toddler.

Everyone is up and moving around and eating at 8 a.m. and we do our homeschool tasks until lunch. Then we are free unless we have scouts, soccer, Lego club, or swimming. During the day I might get a text message or a call, but not usually. If I call him, I better speak fast, cause he's really busy. As evening approaches, I search for food for four hungry and irritable children and try not to lose patience completely, although if my children's actions and habits are a reflection of me (yes) then I do a poor job of it.

They are free for a while and I write or clean (my main pastimes). Then we search out PJs, get teeth cleaned and I ping-pong back and forth down the hall until everyone is satisfied and content and ready to sleep. I always complain that putting my kids to bed is like playing a long game of whack-a-mole.

I go to bed around 11 p.m. and sometime between 12-1 a.m. and 5 a.m. my husband comes home from what I call his 'adventures.' It's always something, you know? Work, fell asleep, truck trouble, helping a friend. Whatever. This morning it was 2:10.

It's gotten to the point that if he really needs to know something, I forward his email the info. I don't even consider what he's doing when we make plans, I know he won't be a part of them. I don't try to come home early; I know he won't be there. The kids see his truck in the driveway so infrequently that all heck breaks loose if we drive down our street and they spot it.

I know. I know! Everything you're thinking, I have heard. Why do I "stand for it," what about his example to the kids, what is he really doing, etc etc.

It's coming to a head for me. I am thinking about all the absent father stuff out there. I am guilty of unbelief- I lost faith that God could change my husband. But when I recognize that, I see that have been tricked into thinking I am waiting on James, not on GOD.

My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning. Psalm 130:6

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:13

but then again, I think...

A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

but, again, God answers...

The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

New Blog Button!

I am soooo in love with my new blog button! And I am also in love with y'alls comments this week! I feel like I pour my heart into this blog, and don't get very many comments... but you sure like to hear about down comforters! Thanks readers!

Tender Hearted

I don't know what God is doing in me right now, but he has got my heart in a vise and is squishing it. I have the most shredded heart I know. I can't do or read or see anything without the lost and hurting somehow crowding into my brain and laying there, taking up all of my attention and drilling holes into my heart. It is hard to see people as God does! For a few hours today I read a book I had been mailed by a stay-at-home mother of 4 named Pam Cope, to review for my other blog. It's called Jantsen's Gift: A True Story of Grief, Rescue, and Grace and I've read 150 pages and cried probably 12 times.

Let me share an excerpt with you: "Both of them had been working as prostitutes for several years, and the night before we met, they each had been with ten different men. For each client, they were paid the equivalent of about $3, half of which they had to give to the brothel owner. The rest they sent home to their families. These young women were so scared and emotionally spent, and the years of trauma they had endured in their work showed on their faces. The older girl was also addicted to heroin-- which is not unusual. Many brothel owners purposefully hook their employees on drugs as a way of keeping them dependent on the work. Hearing the stories of their lives was heartbreaking. The girls could not always convince their clients to wear a condom, and both were too scared to get tested for HIV. They cried openly when discussing how degraded and shamed they felt every morning, yet when we offered to take them immediately to a safe house for prostitutes, they both refused. The older one didn't want to go because she knew she couldn't get drugs there; she panicked at the idea of it. The younger said her family would starve were it not for the money she sent home each week. I understand the impulse to simply judge these girls as "Asian prostitutes" beyond help, but that's not who they were to me. They were scared, broken girls who could not see any hope."

Money goes so far in other countries where atrocious things happen every day! What I pay for my mortgage for two months funds "food, shelter, tuition, clothing and medical needs for 15 children, and a salary for the houseparent... for one year [in Viet Nam]."

I am overwhelmed. I don't want to be one of those people who looks at every person holding a cup of Starbucks coffee and preaches about the cost of feeding an African child. I am in the process of changing my spending habits and the amount of stuff I own and what I do with my money so that it can line up with my mouth.

"Every increased possession loads us with a new weariness" -John Rushkin